What Happens When You Say 'No'?

When you’re looking for a trainer, behaviourist or other pet professional, I think it’s worth thinking about a few things. How do you feel after working with them? How does your dog feel? And here’s an important one that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough: what happens when you ask questions about their approach, or even say 'I don’t want to do that'?

Anybody on my email list will probably recognise the subject line 'Boundaries'. Some of you may even have received that email more than once, because it’s an important one. In it, I talk about choice being at the core of what I do. Primarily, I’m referring to offering our dogs choice wherever we can, but of course there are times when we have to make decisions for them.

What we talk about less often is that guardians need choice too, particularly when working with professionals. When it comes to training support, you should feel comfortable that the approach works for both you and your dog. Part of that comfort comes from being able to ask questions, challenge suggestions or highlight when something doesn’t sit right.

That challenge doesn’t have to be confrontational; sometimes it’s as simple as asking for something to be explained in a different way, or understanding why a particular exercise has been suggested. Other times it might mean offering an alternative, or deciding not to do something at all. What it shouldn’t result in is being told that you have to do it, or that there’s only one right way. There are many ways up the mountain.

I’m always happy to answer questions about why I suggest a particular game, what could be done instead, or whether it’s even necessary in the first place. I also try to make it clear that I’m just one trainer. While what I teach has worked for me, and for many others, that doesn’t automatically make it right for everyone. My role isn’t to dictate, but to guide, explain and support.

If someone asks a question, I don’t see that as a challenge to my authority. It’s usually a sign they’re engaged, thoughtful and invested in doing the best they can for their dog. Honestly, I’d be far more concerned if someone didn’t question anything at all.

I’m usually pretty flexible in life and dog training, but I do still have some hard nos. Tea should never be stirred with a spoon that’s just been used in coffee and milk chocolate with mint is a firm no. (Some lines must be drawn.) But when it comes to dog training, my non-negotiable is this: our dogs should have choices, and we should respect those choices.

Where I can offer choice, I do. That might be which direction we go on a walk, whether Ripley stays in the car or comes into the house after a walk, or offering multiple bed options (even though they still both want the same one 🙄). In training, it might mean using food or toys depending on what brings that particular dog joy. And when I can’t offer a choice, I try to be really clear about that - because if I ask a question, I have to be OK with the answer.

I try not to work with rigid rules, because dogs are individuals. What feels right for me won’t be the right choice for someone else, and that’s OK. This idea of choice and clarity over control underpins everything I teach. My training isn’t flashy, and I rarely follow a perfect script, but what I do promise is training that respects your dog’s needs, and yours.

So if you ever find yourself hesitating to ask a question, or worrying about saying no, it’s worth paying attention to that feeling. You deserve to feel comfortable advocating for your dog, and professionals should be able to meet that with openness rather than defensiveness. Asking questions isn’t being difficult. Often, it’s the most responsible thing you can do and I will always support someone that advocates for their dog.